An experience for a lifetime!!!! - Afterwards, No goose bumps!

Contd... 

Sumedhaa was sobbing and walking towards her bus stop (about 250 meters from our house) when Siju found her. When Siju called her name, she turned, saw him, ran to him and hugged him (as narrated by Siju). 

When we were taking turns carrying and hugging Mickey we realized she had worn her shoes. When asked where she was going, she said, 'When I got up I couldn't find you, so I went looking for you (Yen laknaga yerla ithriyer, aaike yen poye)'. Shri asked her the reason for her to scream and she said, 'There were dogs coming close to me and so I was scared and screamed (Aaulu mast doggies iththen athaa,  yank podige aanatha aaike kaLkiye)'. 

I know you have a lot of questions:

• How could you leave her alone at home?

She has always been scared to get up alone from the bed, be it during her afternoon nap or a good night's sleep. She starts screaming. The place on the terrace where we were all sitting was chosen so that we could hear Mickey screaming if she got up from her sleep. There have been so many afternoons when she has cried that none of us were sleeping with her. But unfortunately, this time she didn't scream/cry which I would have expected from her had I been at home. But it turned in our negative this time.

• How could she have gone out of the gate?

Firstly, the door was open. Even if it was closed, she knows to open it. We don't have a latch on the door from outside. None of the apartments in our building has it.  The lift was not working, had it been working she would have taken the lift. But she took the stairs. The gate next to the lift was left open by probably some guests who had left earlier. Mickey can easily open the main gate as it is  very low.The watchman was sleeping in his room oblivion to the happenings in the building. Everything facilitated her to leave the building so easily.

• Did you beat Mickey for leaving the house like this?

How could I? Why should I have? It was my irresponsibility that I left her alone in the house and it was her fear of not having us around that made her do this. Instilling more fear in her by beating would mean I was not acknowledging my mistake and also it would be wrong to beat her for not her fault completely. As elders and matured people, if we can do mistakes, she is just a 3.5 years old. Imagine what would have been running in her mind when she found herself alone. The degree of fear is incomparable, isn't it? I still can't figure out the impact of this incident on her psych. Atleast that night, she was not ready to hold me or my hand while sleeping. She was clenching the rods of the cot instead.

The following Sunday, we took her to the Raagi Gudda temple to remove all her fears and to thank god for giving her, our life back to us. We told her that it was not right for her to go outside the house alone without letting us know or without anyone of us accompanying her. So now she relates to it so much that if a teenager goes alone on TV, she asks why the parents not accompanying the kid. So I hope this has sunk in so much that I don't have to worry about it for sometime atleast.

No, I will never loose her again.... :)

An experience for a lifetime!!!! Assured goose bumps!

Do you know how it feels when you no longer have a purpose to live? All you want is that the world should come to an end for you at that moment of time? Go on.... read further.....

I was screaming but couldn't hear my own voice. I remember clutching the gate and almost falling on to the road. I don't remember if I was breathing at all. Shri's boys were running up and down the street. Shri was running up and down the stairs mumbling 'this can't happen!!! this can't happen!!!!!'. The only thing running in my head was 'How irresponsible could I be?' 

It was the night of 18th March 2011, Friday. Shri's friends (Shri's boys) had ganged up at our place as their plans of going to coorg had been canceled. Not everyone was in a good state of mind as AOL had just announced the closure of AOL India Operations. Yet, boys were drinking. It was almost 12.45 am. A few of the guests had already left. Mickey had been put to sleep (she was in the terrace until 12) and all of us were in the terrace talking. Shri had just got me Mishti Dhoi (from K C Das). I was telling Siju that I would finish the Mishti and go back to Mickey.

And at that moment, we all heard a scream and realized that it was Sumedhaa's voice. Shri ran down to the bedroom to console her and I followed him after a minute or two. By then, her screams  had stopped. I could hear Shri screaming that she was not in her bed. We looked for her in all the rooms, bathrooms, balcony, utility but she was not there anywhere in the house. We looked for her in the stair case. We all ran downstairs, the gate was open. She was nowhere in the street too. We checked again in the house. She was not there anywhere!!!! We had lost Sumedhaa!!!!!!!! 

'HOW COULD WE LOOSE A CHILD THAT WAS SLEEPING IN OUR OWN HOUSE AND WHEN WE WERE JUST IN THE TERRACE? HOW?' 

I was screaming but couldn't hear my own voice. I remember clutching the gate and almost falling on to the road. I don't remember if I was breathing at all. Shri's boys were running up and down the street. Shri was running up and down the stairs mumbling 'this can't happen!!! this can't happen!!!!!'. The questions that were running in my head were 'how could I live?' 'How irresponsible could I be?' 'Couldn't I have gone back15 mins earlier?' 'Is it necessary to have fun all the while?' 'But don't I have a life of my own?' 'What would I tell my parents?' 'What would I answer the world?' 'How could I live with this guilt?' 'How could I breathe going forward?' 'Couldn't the world come to an end, right then?'

And suddenly, Shri and I could hear Kaustav  (Shri's friend and a member of the search party) screaming 'We found her' and then we could see Siju (Mickey's favourite maama amongst Shri's friends) at the end of our street, carrying Mickey back to us.

I can't explain the feeling when I saw Mickey in Siju's arms. Now, I could atleast breathe. Though only five minutes had passed since the time Mickey had gone missing, it seemed to us as though a lifetime had passed. Though I appear not to be attached to my daughter, I realized how much I wanted her to be with me, how much she is a part of me and how much she means to me. Same is true with Shri. Shri and I were taking turns hugging and kissing her.

A lot of things could have happened. Had she not screamed, it would have taken us another 5 to 10 minutes to figure out that she had gone missing. And within that time, a dog could have bitten, someone could have taken her, she could have gone somewhere where we couldn't find her, or ANYTHING else could have happened. But we were lucky enough to find her intact without even a scratch on her body. I am grateful that we could find her before we lost our minds.

Come to think of it, it is different to loose a child somewhere else, here we had lost a child that was sleeping in the house. We couldn't continue to live without her and how could we live with that guilt of irresponsibility. You can say that I am very curt when I am saying this but loosing a child to death is completely different from loosing a child like this. There surely is a certainty in case of a death. But in this case, the parents have to live in a constant fear. Is the child alive? What condition is she living in? Also they have to live in an anticipation that the child would be found some day or the other.  Yes, there is a chance that the child is found. But until then every moment the parents live is equal to a million death.

Sumedhaa was sobbing and walking towards her bus stop (about 250 meters from our house) when Siju found her. When Siju called her name, she turned, saw him, ran to him and hugged him (as narrated by Siju). 

Contd.....

Why are carrots so hard?'

Its Summer 2011 and its holiday time for Sumedhaa. Last few days, as I have been a little sick with my routine yearly cough, cold and fever, I have been leaving office early so I am getting to be with Sumedhaa for a little longer. The way she talks makes me realize that she is growing up!!! It feels like it is just the other day that I saw her for the first time. She was such a small baby, an infant. Now she is already three and half. All I can say is time flies!!!!

I know she is growing up very fast when her 1st year at school got over. I know she is growing big when she outgrows her clothes. I know she is growing smarter when she learns new Shlokas. I know she has crossed the toddlers age when she says she wants to grow big or when she says "I am Strong and tall and I can reach mangoes" (as the boy in the Complan ad, who has grown taller than his friends because he drinks Complan everyday, can pluck mangoes). I know she is growing up when she says 'that is for babies but I am a big girl now', 'Blue is for boys, Pink is for girls'. That reminds me that all the quarrels with Adi (her cousin) get resolved because of the colors, Pink and blue. 

When I ask, Is Appa talking on the phone, she tells me, No, Appa is on a call. ????? (Surprised!!!)

I know she is growing when she asks me Why does the sun set? Why does the Sun rise? Why is Samprada Akka so tall? Why is the windmill not turning? She asks 'Why are carrots so hard?' and I think 'What do I answer now? and then I think ' My Gosh,  my little angel is really growing up sooner than I thought'.

my dear doll

Holding Hand in hand; 

Feet buried in water and sand;
Will never let you fall; 

Oh! my dear doll

A warm Bangalore afternoon

The afternoon is warm with a light breeze blowing through the window of the 3rd floor. I am sitting on a bean bag beside the window with my headphones on, listening to the songs from the 90's, occasionally glancing at the Cricket where England is playing against South Africa. This reminds me of the rage that cricket world cup has created throughout the country. Here I am writing this post sipping on the 'just served, hot' ginger tea. What a way to spend a warm Bangalore Afternoon!!!!

Where do you think this is? At a Cafe??? Naaah!!!! Believe it or not, it's my office!!! Now!!!!! Wanna join Mcube????
As I am writing this, BB and Sowmya (the big boss and a fellow employee) are clicking a picture for NEWSBYTE (the official newsletter). I told them that the model in the picture should be different. They insisted and I had to give up. :)